The Pain of Re-creation

Feel very frustrated and miserable lately, again...actually feel very upset with myself...keep going round in circles....seem to be perpetually taking one step forward but three steps...feel like such a failure....not able to edify spouse no matter what i do or how hard i pray... not able to help son rise to his fullest potential...felt so helpless (though thank God He reminded me "my help cometh from the Lord" in Psalm 121)...so much fear I have inside me....I don't want one of son to be a "could-have-been" and the other to be a "wanabe", like I feel we are sometimes...how to break out of this "curse"?

This morning as I knelt before the window and agonised before God, with my eyes closed, suddenly I saw a crimson tide....blood red....then the image of red blood cells I have seen in my son's Science textbook came to me... then the red tide cleared up and this was followed by a white, a very bright whiteness....this phenomenon actually occured twice...

Was God purifying me with the blood of Christ? Purifying me from my sins of judgemental spirit, my anger, jealousy and despise for people.... how awesome and sombreing is the thought...if not for His mercies can I really enter into His presence...?

I know God has been speaking to me lately through:

...my own son Brandon - "aiyo...why you get angry so easily one?"; "now now now, don't be jealous..."

...His word - James 1:19-21 - human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires....

This morning again during my time alone with Him...i know God is dealing with me about my inconsistencies, about my judgemental spirit against myself and against others...

This morning I am reminded that

"Salvation is not merely a judicial act by God which determines whether or not we are forgiven; salvation is also the act of God's re-creation...He remakes us to be what we are intended to be all along (2 Cor 5:17). .." I appreciate that we are saved to be re-created, but I wish this journey can be less arduous and painful...

"He saves us from sin, SAVE US FROM OUSELVES...Jesus makes us new by giving us His full self....He PLACES US IN A POSITION where we LITERALLY SHARE IN "CHRIST'S MIGHTY POWER" (Colossians 1:29)"...is that position where I am knelt before Him, in surrender? Then His power will grow strong in me?

"THERE IS NO PLACE FOR SELF-LOATING OR SELF-HATRED IN THIS REALITY...." - how timely are these words at a time when I am so disillusioned with myself...

After the red crimson tide, I felt a strengthening, like someone grabbing my arms...at the same time a sense of expanding power grew inside me... Is this the strengthening might of Christ who is in me?

I am led to pray for myself this morning with these words in Colossians 1:9 -

"Lord, I ask that I may be filled with the knowledge of Your will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding, that I may walk worthy of the Lord, FULLY PLEASING HIM, being FRUITFUL IN EVERY GOOD WORK, and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all might, according to your glorious power, for all PATIENCE and long-suffering in JOY; GIVING THANKS to the Father who has qualified me to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in the light..."

These words of CS Lewis are thought-provoking:

"our COMPOSITE EXISTENCE is not the sheer ANOMALY it might seem to be., but a FAINT IMAGE of the DIVINE INCARNATION itself"....

"Christ in me...the hope of glory...." I wonder if Christ was an angsty person when he walked on this earth....he seemed like one to me through the gospels.... and what about Paul? It would be interesting to dig into the personalities of the apostles one by one... Is pain a necessary passage to transformation and glorification? I wonder. And as much as it is painful for us, I can imagine it is probably as painful for our Creator and Re-creator....