" And God has given us his Spirit as proof that we live in him and he in us." - 1 John 4:13I got into another accident again, on 25 August 2006. It was another near-death experience.
I was hassled that morning. Wanted to print a proposal but printer ran out of ink. Kit was sick again and needed to see doctor. Sent him to the doc at Eastwood and went to buy ink cartridge. Then came back to pick him. Was trying to make an illegal turn outside bedok camp to get onto the other side of the road and park at the Bedok Rd hawker centre carpark. But don't why I did not even stop at the bus bay that I pulled into to check the traffic behind me and just steered right to make a turn. The next moment I saw a huge truck coming my way! It was going to crash into the door at my driver's seat! I screamed like a pig to the slaughter. I thought I really was going to die this time around...
But thank God for His many merices. I did a desperate swerve to my left and managed to "straighten" the car to avoid being hit on my right. So the truck hit our beloved BMW on its rear instead.
I was really angry with myself. I mean really upset. And because my husband was still at the clinic, I had no guts to call him for help so just took down the truck driver's particulars and drove off. Thank God my husband did not get angry with me. He did not even chide me. He knew my "spirit" was away from my body again when I was behind the wheels....
And he was right. I have a problem. A real problem. I cannot take captive of my thoughts. There are too many things on my mind. And I cannot focus. I think the last major accident I had in Sept 2004 was the same. There were too many things on my mind. I am always biting off too many things that I can't swallow....
I started to get upset with myself again, with my lack of focus, my lack of discipline, my lack of control, my lack of contentment, my constant unhappiness regardless of which stage of life I was at...Why am I like that?? Why is life always such a frustration for me? Why is it always so full of troubles and frustrations? Why do I even want to live??? Isn't it better to just go back to heaven???.....
As a theological student, I know its wrong to question God and life in this way. I know these questions reflect a spirit of self-rejection, which is a sin before God since He is my Maker and He's the one who gives me life! But I continued to wallow in such thoughts and refused to get out...until I read my devotion notes in "Everyday with Jesus" again.
I was rather astounded that God condescend to answer my 2 questions:
1) what is life about? why am I awlays so disgruntled with life?
"...loving relationships - love of God and love of others - is what life is about..."Ok fine. Tha's great, cos the very area of my life that's been constantly plagued with problems - relationships with others. I have always had problem relating to people. So how? The next answer came:
"almost every problem we have in life (if not biological) will stem from a difficulty in relationships - our relationship ith God, with others and with ourselves..."Hmmm..ya, I have already concluded long ago my problem lies with me! I am my own biggest enemy! That's why I hate myself mah! To the point I loathe my being. Why even bother to live? I add so much problem to people around me, make them unhappy cos I am unhappy...my poor husband has stomached the most nonsense from me...just as well I buy lots of insurance and then go and die lah!!
The God answered my next question:
2) what is the value of my life?
"
Our value as men and women comes from the fact that God lives in us and loves in us, and that we have something useful to give to others."
At the point whereby I was questioning the meaning and worth of life, this phrase "God lives in us" really hit me on my head! My life has its worth, because His Spirit lives in me! This broken vessel of clay is still His temple. I have no right to despise my life or give up on it!!
But how does this "rhema" knowledge help me deal with the issues I still have with myself - lack of control, focus, discipline, joy, ...?? Paul's words came to my mind: "taking captive of every thought and making them obedient unto Jesus". And God seemed to show me what's wrong with me: "the lack of control - you don't have control over your thought lives, your emotions, your time ...you need to learn to be Spirit-filled, Spirit-led and Spirit-controlled"...
I know I have His Spirit within me. I know His Spirit can teach me, be my Counsellor, ... but I don't know how to be led by Him. How do "practise His presence" or "keep in step with the Spirit" or "be led by the Spirit".
God showed me an analogy of a pregnant woman - when a woman knows she's pregnant, she will be conscious of the baby she's carrying in her womb! She will be extra careful with the things she eat, the way she walks, the way she speaks even (no more shouting!), etc. Everything will be more controlled!!! So it is with the Holy Spirit! When we know He is in us, and be conscious of His presence in us (and He dwells in the inner most part of us), we will be more controlled. We will not shout or scream our heads off like a mad woman! Cos we know if we do that we will grieve and quench the Spirit!
I can't say this is new revelation. But I must say at this point in time, it is valuable insight for me. These 2 days I have been teaching my younger son Chinese and boy, what agony!! I screamed and yelled at him for his lack of focus and presence of mind. But I realised straight away I have done wrong. I repented this morning, for grieving and quenching His Spirit in me again. And I ask God to cleanse and refill me with His Spirit again...
Life in Christ is truly a constantly arduous journey but a mystical one too...a brother at NLCC shared from Colossians 1-2 about the "mystery of God" and you know what is it? I think the most stunning revelation of God is that He is not only a God of grace, a God of mercy, a God of righteousness, a God who is for us, a God who is with us etc...
I think the most profound mystery of the Christian God is that He is OVER US and yet IN US- and because HE is IN US, He works, through our willing submission of our will and mind and flesh, within us to refine, re-mould and re-shape us. So the mystery that we must truly lay hold is "Christ in us, the hope of glory"... and the only hope that is worth my clinging to and the reason I hold on to life and living is probably this promise - HE is In ME.
