Struggles...

Things have been slow for Q3...am getting restless...feeling a bit tired of what I am doing... and restless. Also beginning to worry about the business...looks like cannot meet the target for this year....starting to worry about next year also....

On the home front, having quite a bit of struggle with my son...really wonder sometimes what have we done that is not enough for him? Are we not trying our best to help him already with his projects, studies and talking to him about how to relate with friends...? Why is he still not open with us about his thoughts and why does he always think his life is miserable? How can we teach him to be more open? His faith in God is still very shallow. And he is more interested in the latest pop music than worship songs. How to disciple him and show him that God is real? I still pray with him and try to read the bible but it is getting increasing difficult, cos he always sleeps late and by then I am so exhausted. The latest effort is to get him to memorise John 1 - "in the beginning was the Word...".

Was a bit upset with him these few days. I know that he is still young and we must continue to teach him to relate with us....but somehow just moody so gave him the cold shoulder. Think he sensed it also as he kept coming to hug me. Then last night, just before sleep, a thought came to my mind. Don't get angry with him. Get angry with the devil for trying to make you think that you are a failure in relating with your son and for creating that tension between him and you! Thank God he knows our struggles, even without us pouring out our hearts to him.

Last night read the bible with BK. We read 1 Samuel 9 and 10, about Israelites asking for a king and God choosing Saul and asking Samuel to anoint him. Then today saw this devotion from OS hillman about the same passage:

Saul and his servant heard of a man of God named Samuel. "Perhaps this man of God can tell us where to find our donkeys," said the servant. Isn't that just like us? We seek God to solve the issues related to material life. Saul was about to receive the greatest opportunity of his lifetime. He was about to be crowned as king of Israel. His life would never be the same. What was he concerned about? His donkeys. We don't have to be worried about the material things of life if we are about the things He's called us to do.
God called Saul to be the next king in order to free the people from the Philistines. God sent a messenger, the prophet Samuel, to inform him of his new career. The messenger also had to ease his mind about his donkeys. Donkeys often represent commerce in the Bible. They were the primary means of transporting goods; therefore, in essence, what was Samuel saying to Saul? He was saying, "You don't need to worry about your business if you respond to the call of God on your life. All the material things will take care of themselves."
Jesus said the same thing to the disciples years later. "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" (Mt. 6:33).
When God calls us, it often involves making major adjustments in our lives. Saul went from one kind of business to another. He went from working for his father to being a king. What changes is God calling you to make today in order to join Him in His work?

Guess I must constantly remind myself to "seek first His kingdom". Yesterday during service I also sensed that I must do something about my current state of limbo - is it because I am in such a "limbo" that my son is like that too? As parents, must we lead by example and start serving in church so as to get my sons involved too?

I keep telling God if he wants me to do something he must move my husband first. I don't want to run ahead and leave him behind. I was doing that in my old church and where did it get us? I know I can learn to be like Priscilla, but how long must I go on being one?

I am also rather skeptical about ministries in church now - about Christians using ministries to climb the "corporate church ladder". I am not interested in that at all. I am skeptical about the elusive "destiny" that people always talk about...individual destiny plan for each Christian? Is there one? If we spend our lives wondering what is our significance and what is the destiny God has for us, won't we end up always being unhappy, unfulfilled and frustrated? I don't want to be like some well-meaning people I meet who "impose" themselves on others in the name of "mentoring", but actually using these poor folks as platforms to fulfill their destiny that they think God has for them...If one is discerning enough, it is fine. If not, we can really end up feeling being misled and confused, don't we?

I know I am being negative. But I will get over it...